I've eatten way too much

and man are my pants tight. The day of my trip i weighed in with a 4oz loss and was pretty surprised since I seem to be completely unable to follow the rules at the moment. After the trip I had gained 2.6lbs. Damn you red wine. This week I completely fell apart with Thanksgiving eating that went on for 4 days and left me unable to even string 2 full days of healthy eating together. I seem to be falling apart when I get home after doing fine all day. My pants are noticeably tighter and my cheeks are swollen. I'm not feeling particularly well. It's like I fell down a slide and I'm grasping as slippery walls. I am currently 20lbs over my lowest weight. It's depressing because I really should have been 20lbs in the other direction by now. I've lost that determination that was driving me and I need to find a way to get it back before it gets any worse. I'm hoping that over the next 2 weeks I can keep myself at least from gaining. I know Christmas will be bad right through new years. Then what? I don't know. I'm thinking about heading back to the gym starting next week. I know that will help me feel a lot better and keep the gaining at bay. Until next week......Be well.
M

Finding will power when you've lost it.

Hope. I'm hoping I can regain my will power. After last weeks big gain I decided to return to the gym. Instead I ate a bunch of things I shouldn't have and didn't go to the gym at all. I did get back to Zumba after a week off which I believe was a big part of that big gain. My pants are all feeling tighter and I feel awful. Somehow, through no effort of my own I lost 2oz this week. It's not much but the fact that there was any loss is amazing.  Weight loss is like a super slide. Climbing the later is the loss and gaining is as fast as the ride down. All the hard work of losing 100lbs and I feel like I could gain it all back in a matter of weeks. That's a scary thought. I feel the gain in my gut and it feels gross. I'm hoping that feeling will help me regain my will power. Zumba tonight, that helps. Now I just need to find my way back to the gym. I'm afraid that won't happen until after Thanksgiving. Until then however, I can stop eating so badly. I most likely won't have Internet access the later half of next week so it will be a while before I write again. Unless I decide to check in on Tuesday. We'll see. Until then.......Be well.
M.

Hog wild

I think I missed last weeks entry. Not sure because I haven't looked but I was down with a sinus infection that is still kinda kicking my butt. I gained last week. 2.4lbs. and this week I gained a whopping 5.2lbs. This puts me over where I was when I came back from my vacation and beyond the mental number I had made my limit. All my pants are feeling tighter and there is no way my fat gut is squeezing into those black jeans tomorrow. Which leaves me with the dilemma of what do I wear tomorrow. I feel swollen. It's amazing how you don't notice how food makes your body swell when you always eat bad but you notice it immediately when you go from eating well to eating badly. It's time to get back in gear. It sucks because the holidays are coming and I have a lot of food planned that I will undoubtedly eat. That doesn't mean however that I can't be an angel the rest of the time. So as of today no more screwing around. I need to post  a loss next week. The week after that as well although I will probably not be able to post that week. I also have to stop making excuses and get back to the gym. Even if I can only go twice a week for the next few weeks it's a good start.
Until next week............Be well.
M

Strange days indeed.

I can't really explain how I lost 2.6lbs this week. I was better behaved it's true. At least up until last night when I made home made fried chicken and onion rings. I don't know what I was thinking eating that before a weigh in day but it leaves me wondering what the loss would have been had I not eaten that. I do feel like I'm finally moving in the right direction. My nasty little fried food escapade aside. I've been eating better and having fewer days where I fall of the wagon so to speak. I do believe the fried food will catch me but hopefully if I can be good until next weigh in maybe I won't see it. Until then.....be well.
M

hanging in

Another week and another gain of 1.4lbs. Looking back I see that I have been hovering between 234 and 237 for the past 3 months. I'm frustrated with myself but at the same time I feel like I'm taking a break from all the hard work. I'm starting to feel fat. Let's face it at this weight I am still fat but now I feel it. That bloated gaining feeling. It's awful. I want to stop it but I'm in a very bad place. I take comfort in the fact that the gain has been minimal and I have not gone overboard. I do now that I need to find a way back to the place I was but I realize that this is all part of the journey. It wouldn't make sense for it to be smooth sailing the whole way. If it were everyone would be thin. This is hard. But stick with me. I have faith that I will see this through. It may take longer than I wanted but I will still get there. I will find my way back to that tunnel I was in. That focused zone where losing was easy because it was the most important thing to me. It may take me a little while but I will get there and when I do I'll take off this next 100lbs and finally meet my goal. Until next week.......Be well.
M

Sorry... busy days at work.

Assuming that last week was a 2.5lb loss that means I gained 2ozs. this week. Honestly, I don’t think that is really too bad considering it still means I’m down 2.3lbs from the week before so I’ll take it. More next week.  Be well.

M

Don't think just do it!

After weeks of struggling and trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong and why I lost my motivation it hit me. Don’t think about it. When I think about it I get upset with myself and I behave badly. Also if I want a food that would be against the rules and I sit and think about it I will dwell on how it would taste and then I will crave it and then the craving will become a need.  I managed to lose this week although I somehow managed to forget the number by the time I got to the computer. I either lost 2.4lbs or .4 but I don’t really care which. The important part is that I lost. I feel so much better too. There is already more energy. It’s funny that being hungry gives you energy.  I feel good and that’s the most important part of all. Now back to my mission to get under 200lbs by Christmas.  Until next week, be well.

M

Meltdown

3.6lbs gained. I can’t even begin to explain where I am.  I’m sinking. I’m not doing well. I had the worst week yet. I can’t seem to get a grip on my downward spiral.  The one thing I won’t do is give up. I still believe that if I slide back I will die. I need to lose this weight. I have to find a way to get myself back on track. Feeling cold and tired all the time. This is not good. Wish me luck.

Go figure.

I lost 1.2lbs. I didn’t expect that. It was a very nice surprise. I don’t really think I deserved it but I’ll take it. I’m still struggling but as long as I can avoid any significant weight gain I know I’ll snap out of it and be ok. There is a reason it’s called a journey and now a quick walk. It takes time and life happens. The important thing is where I end up and learning to enjoy the journey. Until next week…..Be well.   M

Side note.

I woke up late this morning. Cold air is making it difficult to get out of bed. Not a great week. Mostly good but the bad days usually win on the scale. I'll check in tomorrow and let you all know how it went.
M

A renewal of committment.

This week I gained 1.6lbs. I’m not upset by this partly because it was sort of intentional. I took a week off. Not completely. I didn’t stick to my rules and I ate a number of things I shouldn’t have. I vegged out instead of going to the gym. I decided that my wavering commitment to losing all the weight needed a kick in the pants. So now that I gave myself an open window to give up on myself I have found that I don’t want too. I went back and looked at the progress I have made week to week. (Yes I keep a log) I found that I have been doing a lot of excess work. My pattern of 3 steps forward 1 step back and now 3 steps back and 1 step forward has meant that I spent a lot of time ‘re-losing’ weight. What I mean to say is that over the course of this journey I have actually lost 155.2lbs but I also gained 58lbs. So where I should now be within 60lbs of my main goal I instead still have to lose 116lbs. Although this is probably a good thing for my skin which has had time to make slow adjustments therefore not leaving me with piles of loose skin, it is still a boat load of unnecessary work. So, as of today I am recommitting myself to losing 116lbs more. Next week will show a loss and I will be back on the right path. Until then, be well.

M

4oz. of pure disappointment.

This week I gained 4oz. This by its self is not such a big deal but coupled with the fact that I haven’t lost any significant weight in the last 6 months is just sad. I’m struggling right now to stick to my own rules. I can see myself stress eating.  It never fills the void and yet I keep doing it.  I need to find a way to snap out of it. I’m so disappointed with myself. Although I’m within 6lbs of my lowest weight since I started this journey it feels like a great gaping distance. I’m in a very bad place. I’ve lost that determination to lose it all. I’m not sure why but I know this is a big turning point for me. I have to find my way to get back to where I was or I will gain it all back plus and end up dead within 5 years. I know this to be true.  It may sound dramatic but I feel I need to really be hard on myself or I’m going to slide back into old habits.  I’m sure the cold weather that has begun to creep in isn’t helping.  I also am feeling a little depressed. This is challenge time. It was inevitable that this time would come but this is where things get real. Getting past this hurdle will be the real achievement.  Until next week….be well.

M

Flatline----------------------

Flatline as in no change. I didn't lose but then again I didn't gain. Given the Chinese food last Wednesday and the popcorn on Thursday, the general awful eating on Friday and Saturday and the lack of going to the gym all week, I'd say that's nothing short of a miracle. Since Sunday I have gotten back on track. Sticking to my calories and my rules and finally returning to the gym. I'm starting to feel better again. I am in the right frame of mind. I'm very hopeful that next Wednesday will finally bring some results in my favor. I guess that all depends on how the weekend goes. Cross your fingers  for me. Until then......be well.
M

Floundering and annoyed with myself.

This week I lost 4oz. doesn’t feel like anything. I haven’t been going to the gym. I’ve had a hard time working it back into the routine. I feel awful today, like I just can’t get my act together. I was looking back at the last few months and as I well know I’ve been floundering in the same 10lb range for the last 4 months. Maybe this is my plateau of sorts. I need to do something but I’m not really sure what will help me get back in the swing. I want to lose 34 more pounds by Christmas. I really need to get determined to chase that number. I know my Dad dying made me lose some focus. Life has not been bliss for the last 4 months at home so I know I’m dealing with a lot but that’s life. If I’m going to really lose all the weight I need to learn to suck it up and not let emotional issues be an excuse. This week has to be a turn around. I know that I have to get moving again. I don’t want to hate the way I look and feel anymore. Even after all the success I’ve had I do still hate my body. If feels worse than ever. I’m more aware of the fat and I want it off. Now I need to make it happen. Be Well.

M

Welcome to the Hunger Games....

I am in my own arena fighting myself and losing. This week I came in with an 1.8lb. gain. This is certainly not the end of the world but definitely a step in the wrong direction. I made Wednesday my cheat day which paved the way for bad eating Wed. through Sun. My calf has proven to be a difficult injury to recover from and kept me out of the gym for the last week. At the end of it all it was a bad week. I did get a call from my doctor telling me that I no longer had to be on blood pressure medicine which is no small victory. She also told me that I shouldn’t be off my thyroid medicine and that it was probably making it harder for me to lose weight.  Funny to think I’ve lost 100lbs the hard way.  So tomorrow I will start back on my medication. May that will get me out of this weird funk that has left me basically in the same place I was in back in April. I really don’t want to have to deal with loose skin so I will have to be careful that I don’t start to lose too quickly but putting two weeks together of some real weight loss sure would feel good about now.  She told me that being off the medicine was probably making me sluggish which kind of makes sense since all the added energy I was seeing before seems to have disappeared. I’m hoping that next week will bring good things. I’m looking to get below 200lbs by Christmas. That gives me 4 months to lose 30+ pounds. I think I can.  Until then……Be well.

M

Doctor visits, torn muscles, and other fun things.

Another week over and I’m last to post. I went to my doctor for the first time in almost a year. I don’t usually go so long between visits but we had some scheduling conflicts. Anyway, needless to say she was very happy with my weight loss. It was a good ego boost. I tore my calf muscle during Zumba which has made my exercise routine difficult to say the least. I lost another 2lbs this week so that leaves me still up 4.6lbs since before vacation but back under the 100lb loss mark.  I look forward to shedding the remaining 4.6lbs and continuing on. I feel like I have been stuck in this fluctuating pattern for the last few months and it’s time to get some real movement going. If I can continue to lose 2lbs a week I will be within 20lbs of my goal by next April which would be the 2 year mark. That’s what I’m shooting for now.

Until next week…..be  well.

How stupid can the human body be?

Hello! It's weigh in day again and I lost 6.4lbs. That is nearly half the gain from vacation which goes to show it wasn't solid weight gain. I'm hoping that I can get the other half off within the next couple of weeks.
Today I'm pondering just how stupid the body can be. I was eating my Greek yogart at my regular snack time and someone was cooking something in the kitchen. I was thinking wow I'm really hungry. SERIOUSLY??? I was eating. How could I be hungry? Talk about not processing things properly. That was nuts. I guess that's how I know I'm an addict. That's why I could never be trusted to eat any other way than how I am now. I may have my little cheat days, (or weeks if I'm on vacation) but I could never just let myself go without carefully thinking about what I eat. I just don't think right when it comes to food. Scary really. Until next time......Be well.

the verdict is.....

Guilty of having an amazing time on vacation. I am so relaxed and I went to some amazing places and had a wonderful time. The down side of course that in my amazing wine filled adventures I gained 13lbs over the course of the entire vacation. Some of that is fluff weight and will come off quickly and the rest I will have to work for but it was worth it and now I'm refreshed and ready to get back to work. Until next week......Be well.

Over the hump

Finally, I manage to put two weeks of loss together. I lost 4.2lbs this week bringing me to a total of 105.2lbs off.  I’m feeling pretty good about that and rethinking my free for all vacation. Maybe I won’t go too crazy. I don’t want to undo all the good I’ve done. I’m sure I will not be on my best behavior but I don’t think I will go as overboard as originally intended. Until months end…….Be well.

Vacation on the mind.....

Hi,
 I should have posted on Wednesday but I just didn't have anything to say. I lost 3.2lbs but I didn't really feel like singing from the rafters about it. I've been doing so bad lately. The worst part is it's only a handful of bad days but it makes such a huge difference. Anyway, I leave for vacation on the 14th and I will be in radio silence for the next two Wednesdays. I am not taking my scale and fully intend to gain 10lbs. It will be an 11 day free for all. Although I will be having nightly BBQ and drinking I will also be doing plenty of outdoor activities so hopefully I can keep my muscles in shape. When I return I will need to really get my butt in gear. I am going to got to the gym Thursday this week so I can go on Saturday too. That way I have one last day of exercise before I fall into my days of debauchery. Until the 25th or so..... Be well.
M

What to say.....when your in a downward spirl?

Hello, I have to say I'm at a loss for words. I gained 2.2lbs for the second week in a row. Looking back at the log I keep I am the same weight I was a month ago and 2lbs more than 2 months ago. I guess I wouldn't sweat 2lbs over 2 months if I didn't know that I should be about 15lbs less. I mentioned several posts ago that I was in a very dark place in my life. Sadly that has not improved and clearly my resolve has been shaken by the events that have occurred. That is why I need to keep writing. I will overcome this and I will continue to lose the rest of the weight. I think it's important to realize that life can be very difficult and when it is we will falter. In the end though as long as I don't quit on myself I will find a way to get back on track. I feel myself in that 'I just don't care' attitude. It's the reason I always said I can't be trusted. The ironic thing is I'm not eating bad and I'm still exercising. It's just the weekends when I drink too much and I eat things I shouldn't. Clearly though it is too much and I need to regain control. I have two weigh in days before I go to my family reunion. I am going to buckle down til then and try and take off as much as I can because I'm not taking my scale when I go and I know I'll put some weight on those next 2 weeks. So by this time next month if I'm lucky I'll weigh the same as I do now. So much work but I know it will be worth it. I just can't ever give up on myself. Until next week. Be well.
M

Think positive.....even when you feel like crap.

2lb gain this week. I'm killing myself with all this fluctuating over the last 2 months. I'm trying not to get discouraged. I have to stop the cheat days for a while. only problem is Friday is my son's graduation and I will be cheating but I think I have to scale it back to just a small piece of his graduation cake and order a salad at diner. Then I have to be on the straight and narrow until the family reunion next month. I know I'll be a mess then. 11 days with no formal exercise and no doubt eating bad. I will have to really buckle down after that. I do intend to bring my Zumba tapes with me though so hopefully I'll get some exercise and I'm hoping to do a whole lot of rowing, swimming and maybe hiking. I've been reading back over journal entries I made in the early days of this journey before I started this blog. It's funny to think I felt pretty much the same as I do now. I'm more disgusted with myself now though. I know that is kinda backwards but in the beginning I felt unhealthy but not really disgusted. Now I feel more healthy but I'm disgusted by the fat that just hangs on my body. I want to be under 200lbs so bad I can't stand it. It's been 20 years since I have been under that weight and I'm sick and tired of being this fat thing. It's awful to think I lost so much and I am still so big. I'll hope my discontent will be the catalyst for change. I think I may incorporate some leg lifts into my morning routine. I'm sure if I can just tighten up this lower abdomen I will feel much better about myself. Until next week..... Be Well.

Wow! That worked better than expected.

I lost 6.2lbs this week. After doing this for over a year I have to say I'm shocked I can still have such a big loss. I guess having gained for the last month I shouldn't be shocked. I am thrilled though. That puts me at 102lbs  lost. YAY!! It also means I am officially turning back that counter and forgetting the last 100 and starting from 2lbs. If anyone asks that's what I've lost 2lbs. :) I'm proud of my accomplishment but I don't really feel the need to advertise that i was once 100lbs heavier. That's just embarrassing. Especially when I'm still way over 200lbs and I have fat everywhere. I feel pretty awesome though. I've upped my weights a little at the gym and my core has a fairly pleasant tightening ache. I feel stronger. Muscles are my fat burning friends. I don't get these people that go to the gym and lift 20lbs. I don't want to be all muscular and bulky but I do want to build enough muscle to help burn the fat and make my body look toned. It's tightening up and people notice the difference better than they ever did with just weight loss. I have more energy and I feel great. I lift 50lbs for arms and chest and 80 to 170lbs for legs, back and core. I don't have any bulging muscles from that but i do have some definition which is nice. If anything does get bulky I'll just lower my weights. After all muscles are easy to lose. This weekend and next are cheat weekends so we'll see how I do. I really want to lose 10 more pounds by my family reunion next month. (especially because I will probably put 10lbs on while I'm there) Wish me luck!

Back to the basics.

This week has greeted me with a 4oz gain. Not bad considering last week and the insane cheat day I had on Saturday. Sunday I decided that it was time to start over. That thought is only confirmed by this weigh in which is the 5th week of gaining in 6 weeks. So I have returned to the 2 hour interval eating. Something I had been slacking on. I had taken to only have one snack in the morning and one in the afternoon. It really has to be two in order to keep my metabolism working in high gear. I've gone back to my daily cucumber. It's just one of those extreme low calorie snacks that just makes you feel good. I've gone back to putting a slice of lemon in my water which also just makes me feel good. As always my calories are limited to 1200 a day but i am eliminating the cheat day until i can get back to more steady weight loss. NO bread, NO cheese, and NO starch. Those are still the main rules. No fatty or greasy foods of course. I am already feeling better again. Next week should yield some improvement. Until then be well.

OK Panic!!!!!!!

I have gained for the second week in a row. 1.6lbs this week. :( What's worse is that I ate bad for 5 days straight. It's a wonder I didn't gain more and I won't be surprised if next week pays for it as well. Yesterday was my son's birthday so I did not go to the gym. Today is a Zumba day thankfully, so I will use that as a way to get back on track. (repeats to self - Nothing tastes as good as thin feels) I fear spiraling back into the fat life. I have too far to go to start slipping now. I'm not even half way! This is definitely something I have to put a stop too right away. I see myself using food as a comfort tool. Right now with the state my life is in I really need the comfort but I need to stay strong. I let myself go for a couple of weeks but I have to stop now or a small gain is going to turn into a big one. If I were a scientist studying myself I would be noting how quickly my body adapted to the fatty foods again. I would also note how quickly my energy was sapped away. I have been so tired for the last two days I can barely keep my head up. Lack of sleep isn't helping there either. It's a good lesson though. I can't stop. The healthy eating the exercise it's all a way of life. It's my life now. If I want to continue to lose weight and be more healthy, I need to keep it up. I think I'll try going to the gym on Thursday this week instead of Friday. It's going to be very hot on Friday. Wish me luck!

DON'T Panic!!!!!

Ok, I gained 2lbs. this week. This is a really bad trend I'm on but I'm not gonna get on myself too hard because I am going through some seriously bad life trauma right now. Times like this or going to happen in life. I hope not too often because right now it's a little ridiculous. I will be strict this week and turn it around. Keep your fingers crossed for me. :)

Doing better than I feel

I lost 3.8lbs this week. That's a real good week. So why do I feel so fat today? Over the previous 2 weeks I gained a total of 5.2lbs and i didn't feel as bad as I do today. I think it will just force me to work harder so that's good. I need to get the other 1.4lbs off so i can start counting over. :)

Life Happens.

Unfortunately, the one thing in life that can not be avoided is life. Everyone has struggles and everyone has their dark moments to survive. I can tell you that the past week and a half has been the darkest I have lived through since my mother died. I'm not going to get into the details but it's not over yet. I gained 1.2lbs last week after the 100lb celebration and the son's 18th birthday. This week I gained a staggering 4lbs. It was a tough blow but not at all surprising. I had some family gatherings and some drinking and I knew I was going to pay. I'm back on track now and I expect that weight to be gone in the next couple of weeks. Then I can focus on taking off the next 100lbs.

One year well spent

Today's weigh in marks 1year and 2 days since this journey began. This week after really working hard I lost 4.6Lbs bringing my total weight loss to 101lbs!!! Not bad for one year. Hopefully by this time next year I will be approaching my goal weight.

so close I can almost taste it.

Happy Wednesday all! After a difficult week where I missed Sunday's gym day and arrived late to Zumba on Monday I was unsure what to expect on the scale. I have been noticing small changes. My wrists are suddenly half the size they once were and my forearms seemed to thin out over night. My legs are getting firmer and smaller. Even my most challenging area, the lower abdomen, finally seems to be getting smaller. Of course after this much weight loss I'm sure it has all been getting smaller by degrees but now I can see it. I feel much better given all that so I was very pleased when I got on the scale to find I had lost 3.4lbs. Big improvement over the last 2 weeks. Now, I am 3.8lbs away from the magic 100lbs lost milestone. (not one of my 12 milestones but still kind of a big deal). I don't expect that I will be able to take that all off next week but hopefully with in 2 weeks I will be able to say I lost 100lbs. Then I will start all over again with the next hundred. I can do it. :)

Looking at the big picture.

I'm a little frustrated today at the fact that I only lost 1.4lbs after all the working out I've been doing. I am feeling the difference though and I look thinner so I'll just ride it out. 7lbs. more til 100lbs. Feels like it is taking forever to get there.

I titled this looking at the big picture because I was talking to a friend yesterday who is around 120lbs give or take a couple of pounds. She is always struggling with those last 5lbs and she was upset yesterday because she had gained 2 sizes and her heavier friends just blew her off because they thought she was already thin. I really felt for her because I think that heavy people in general just don't get it. Someone with only 5lbs to lose will have to work harder than I have had  to lose the 93lbs. I have. Those last few are awful and it doesn't take as much weight for a thinner person to go up a size. When your really big 30lbs is one size but when you get down that small 5lbs is all the difference in the world. I also think that heavy people spend too much time 'wishing the were thin' rather than really asking themselves 'what am I willing to give up to be thin'. Ask anyone who is more than 100lbs over weight and I bet they would tell you anything. The truth is they wouldn't. You know you are really ready to lose all the weight when you can look at your favorite foods and say I am willing to never eat them again to be thin. It doesn't mean that you won't ever eat them but to truly be willing to give them up that's when you have the right mind set. The other thing is to have a firm goal in mind and stick to it. I want to be 120lbs. I don't care if it's 'too thin' or less than I should weigh. It's where I want to be. I can sympathize with my friend because I know the last few pounds is going to be the hardest to lose and I will not be satisfied because I'm close enough. I guess my opinion is that if you're looking at the big picture we all need support and encouragement. Heavy or thin losing weight is hard work.

Procrastination, one of my many fine traits.

Did you miss me yesterday? I really did mean to write but the day got away from me. It's harder to motivate myself to write when I've had a bad week. Last week was definitely bad. No Zumba classes this week due to spring break and no gym on Sunday due to Easter. I feel like a jelly fish. That along with a fairly regular pattern of gaining every third week and here I sit with a 2.6lbs gain. It would be more frustrating if I didn't know next week will be a good one. I've noticed that since August I have gained in the third week. Some months it's been an every other week gain but at the end of the day I'm ahead. Now, that leaves me in a position where I need to lose 8.4lbs in the next eighteen days. Well, I don't have to but it would be nice. In eighteen days I will have reached the 1 year mark. It doesn't really feel like it's been that long since I began this journey but it has. It would be nice to have lost 100lbs in a year but if not I'll get there. It's such a big change for just one little year. I'm just starting to get to the point where I can look in the mirror and see an attractive woman there. I no longer feel like a beast. Before I can honestly say I didn't feel human. Now, I feel like a heavy woman but a woman at least. I still have so far to go. I know I'll get there. It's just a matter of time.

Going Strong this late in the game.

3.2lbs this week! That's 3 weeks of over 3lb. loss. I'm amazed that I can take that much off a week this late in the game. Next month will be one year since I began this journey and looking back it's been a really good year. Hopefully, by the time the one year mark passes I will be down 100lbs which is awesome. I feel 150% better than I did this time last year. I'm hoping I can say the same next year at this time. Zumba really hurt on Monday after the gym but yesterday's trip to the gym was really good. I don't hurt as bad today but I'm still soar. Zumba again tonight. I just keep telling myself that it will be worth the pain in the end and I know it will be. People are really taking notice of my weight loss now. I think my time at the gym has made more a visible impact on my body than the entire year of weight loss. No one notices the slow reduction of size but define a muscle and people see it right away. I'm excited for this new routine. I only hope that 5 days a week of exercise is something I can keep up with. I think at this point in my life I can. I need to do this for me.

Marveling at the wonders of life....

It's not weigh in day yet but I felt like today is a good day to write. Have you ever sat on a dock at the edge of a lake as the sun rose, sipping a cup of coffee as the lake turned to gold? I have and sitting there I have felt complete and total peace. Although short lived that is the type of serenity I always look for and rarely ever find. Today in the midst of my normal chaotic Monday morning I was amazed to find that I have that exact feeling of serenity. I am astonished that I could be feeling this in my everyday routine. What is making me feel this way? I am attributing this bubble of peace to my newest lifestyle change.On Friday I decided to start going to the gym. I've had my membership for almost 2 years now so I figured I may as well start using it. I was at the gym for an hour and fifteen minutes and I had an amazing work out. Although I am still very heavy my Zumba classes have left me in much better shape than my previous trips to the gym and I found I got much more out of it. I returned to the gym yesterday for another work out. I took my youngest son with me who is 16 and weighs about the same as I do now. I'm committed to helping him get healthy with me. He is a couple of inches taller than me and he has less to lose so I think by the end of the summer he'll be in really good shape. We spent 2 hours at the gym and we are going to go 3 days a week together. My muscles although sore feel amazing. I feel like I have muscles I didn't even know existed. I have more energy than I have had in months. You always hear diet and exercise is the way to lose weight. We know it and we fight it, always looking for a quick easy way. If everyone could feel this good then no one would fight it anymore. I can't wait to go back to the gym on Tuesday but for tonight I have Zumba.

Everyday a new victory.....sort of.

Today's weigh in leaves me 3.4lbs lighter and now at a total loss of 91lbs. Just nine more to go until the big 100. I feel good and I'm happy but I'm not willing to give myself too much of a pat on the back. When I start congratulating myself on a job well done that is when I'm going to get lazy. I'm not even half way to my total goal yet so I have to look at this for what it is. Yes I've done well and yes I feel better in some ways. In other ways I feel awful. I can feel every ounce of fat that clings to my body and I hate it. I want it all off. I'm not going to stop until I can no longer feel the dense hanging flab that still clings to me. When I am tone and my skin feels smooth and tight then I'll be happy. I refuse to hear the people who say it won't happen. Why can't I be the most perfect version of myself. I'm horrified by how often people throw crutches at me. "let's face it we'll never be a super model" So what? That means I shouldn't strive to be the best me I can be? I don't buy it. I'm not looking to be a super model. I just want to be happy with myself. I want to be happy to try on new clothes and I want to see myself in the mirror and be able to say 'wow i really look good' I don't think that's unrealistic even if my definition of looking good is a bit more judgemental than other people would be. I know in my heart I can be far better than what I am today and so the journey continues.

In a funk.

Hey! Today is once again weigh in day. I lost 3.4lbs. No cheat day this week and I feel good. So why am I in a funk? I have no clue. I think the time change is messing with me a little. I'm really tired. I can really see a difference in my arms, legs and face. I would think that feeling this much better would put me in a good mood but instead I'm totally in a funk. I'm hoping its related to the rainy weather and that I will come out of it when the sun returns. I guess we'll see. On the brighter side, I have 63 weeks left til I reach my final goal. That's assuming a 2lb per week lose of course. That's also with the understanding that nothing will changes as far as my eating and exercise habits are concerned. It's something to look forward to though. Until next week, be well.


If you would like to help me raise the funds for my final milestone reward you can help at:
http://www.gofundme.com/2694gw

I am a work in progress....

Today I weighed in to find a gain of 2.4lbs. I actually feel better about this than I do the 3.8lb loss last week. This makes sense. I was bad again over the weekend and now I'm paying for it as I should be. Now I need to check myself and stay on track so I can come back with a loss next week. I feel really good. I have a lot of energy and I can see thinning in my thighs and arms. I've been getting a lot of compliments lately about how much better I look which makes me feel really good. People should pay more attention and compliment each other more. I'm going to start making sure I compliment at least one person everyday from now on.


If you'd like to help me with my reward for reaching my end goal please visit: http://www.gofundme.com/2694gw

I just don't know what to say.

I approached the scale this morning with more than a little trepidation. Last Thursday I went to the movies with a friend from work and had a small popcorn. I decided that since this was a no no I would make Thursday a cheat day and i went out for chicken strips and fries with chicken quesadillas. It was all fried and very bad. When Saturday came along my husband wanted to drink and so I stayed up drinking fuzzy navels til the wee hours of the morning. While drinking I ate loaded potato skins and toquitos. Again, fried and bad. The next morning I realized my niece had a pancake breakfast fundraiser which I had promised to attend. All this added up to the second bad week in a row and I was prepared for yet more weight gain. When I got on the scale I immediately stepped off and tried again. Sure enough I had lost 3.8lbs. Shocked, you bet. I don't know what to do with this. I'm having trouble processing how this could be. I don't trust myself with these cheat days and I know it will come back to haunt me soon. I have decided that this week needs to be a strictly healthy eating week. I also did something that I'm almost ashamed of. I say almost because I did it so I have to own it. I set up a fundraising site to raise money for my trip reward for my final milestone. I don't know if it will raise any money but it's worth a shot. If you'd like you can check it out. http://www.gofundme.com/2694gw

It happens.....

I gained 2lbs. Truth be told that is less than i expected. I had 4 days of eating out and enjoying my birthday week. Now it's over and time to get back to work. I did buy my new outfit and it was another size down so that made me happy. I hate the feeling after eating bad so much. I feel so run down but I'm bouncing back. I think I can take that 2lbs off by next week. :)

Happy Birthday to me!

Today is my 42nd birthday! My first and best gift is that I lost 3.2lbs this week. I have now reached my fourth milestone. So now I get to go shop for a new outfit! I read up online this week about the benefits of a cheat day. This is a concept I had been avoiding since I don't feel I can be trusted. Since on the weeks I have not cheated I gained and I seemed to lose on the weeks I did have a day where I went astray, I decided to experiment and I drank and ate badly on Saturday night. Sure enough it worked. Go figure. I'm sure the upcoming week will be a set back given my birthday and valentine's day. I will be stretching my bad behavior from today through the weekend. That however is next week and today is a day to celebrate a job well done! :)

Seriously? Whatever!

Ok, so for the last two weeks I had days where I drank and ate bad things and I lost 2lbs. each week. This week I am an angel and don't eat or drink anything bad and now I have gained 8oz. ????? WTH I get that the body changes during the month and there are things that will throw me off but this is just nuts. Next week is my birthday and of course Valentine's day so I will have at least 3 days of eating what I shouldn't. So I should expect a 5lb. loss next week. o.O   It's all just so weird. Until Next week....

In the hunt.....

Wednesday's weigh in left me another 2lbs lighter. This was a happy surprise seeing as I was out drinking far too much on Saturday and eat my body weight at Denny's. Weird that the one week I didn't do anything bad this month is the week that I gained a pound. Now that I have passed the 80lb. mark my son has declared that I am now in the hunt for the 100lbs mark. Makes me smile to think that is only 18lbs away.

I did it!

I have reached that illusive 80lbs lost mark. It really felt like the last 3lbs there were never gonna come off. I lost 2.4lbs this week. :) Now my eyes are on that 100lb mark. My bff said 'you've lost a 10 yr old' when i told her how much I've lost. Now i look forward to losing the teenage girl that is still clinging to me :)

back to the grind

January 9th and I am back to where I was before the holidays. I lost 3lbs. today bringing me to 1lb. less than before Christmas. I'm happy and I feel really well. I've begun wearing clothes the next size down and people are once again noticing my loss. Looking forward to warmer weather and another size down. :)

Holidays.....paying the price.

Hi,
  I've been out of focus the last couple of weeks. After Christmas I had a 6lb. gain. Just like Thanksgiving. I drank over the New Year holiday and expected the worst come Wednesday morning. I was surprised to see I had lost 3.8lbs of what I had gained at Christmas. My issue today is that I'm feeling as though I've lost focus. After too many days of making a concession here and there I found myself making more yesterday. This upsets me greatly as I see it as potential for unraveling. I've been here before. The point at which I step back and say I did a good job now I can relax. I can't though because I still have so much to lose. I need to snap myself back into the right place. I'm tired after several days off and finding I have no energy for anything. I feel awful. Zumba has been on a 2 week break. Which I hope when that starts up again next week I will be in better sorts. At any rate I need to focus on losing the 2.2lbs I am down since Christmas so I can get back to where I was. I need to find my energy again.