Commitment, Failure, Re-commitment all part of the road to success.

Hello again. It's been awhile I know. It got to be hard to log on week after week to share my failures. Some weeks I didn't even bother weighing in. This morning I weighed in at 296.4. For those of you that weren't keeping track that is 68.4lbs up from my lowest since I began this journey. It is a terrible feeling but I'm not giving up on myself just yet. Now that labor day has past I have to pull out my fall clothes and some of my pants just don't fit. I gave all my larger pants to the Rescue Mission. I'm sure most people would go out and buy new pants but not me. At this moment I am wearing pants that literally feel like they are slowly cutting me in half. It's hard to breath and extremely uncomfortable. I will have to feel like this for the next 8 hours until work is over. In a way I'm punishing myself for letting myself gain so much. Not much chance I will over eat today. I thought about it this morning and I came to some conclusions. First, if I refuse to buy larger clothes then I need to re-commit to losing weight. Second, my lack of motivation is my number one problem. My total goal is to get to 120lbs. That hasn't changed but being that I am very competitive and I respond well to challenges I've challenged myself to lose 20lbs in 28 days. That gives me 4 weeks at 5lbs a week. It's aggressive but I feel necessary. Unfortunately, I have no one but myself to keep me on it. I think I will seek out my co-worker that lost weight with me in the begining and ask her to be the person I check in with each week. If I know someone is watching I'm hoping that will keep me working for it. Until next week. Be well.
M

Weight loss via Stress

At this point in my life I am experiencing a level of stress that is beyond the normal life stress. There has been very few times in my life when it has been this bad. I feel ill all day and my thoughts are so volatile that they are weighing me down like lead. I know this will pass as it always does but right now I am literally sick from it. My head is so a buzz that I even forgot to weigh in yesterday. This morning remembering I hopped (not literally) on the scale. I lost 3.2lbs this week making the first two week in a row loss in a very long time. That was a pretty big loss too and I know that's not really a good way to lose it. It is what it is. I can't help how I'm feeling right now. It's either going to get better in the next few days or a whole lot worse. Whatever happens the loss is logged and it will either stay off or not. Right now things are beyond my control. Although I can't seem to stop myself from worrying I do know that it's not with in my power to change the situation at the moment. All I can do is ride the wave and hope I don't break my neck when I hit the beach. Until next time.... Be well.
M

The jouney never ends....

No matter if I'm losing or gaining it's still all part of the road I'm traveling. I'd like to believe that at the end of my road I will reach my goal even if I get a little lost along the way. After 3 straight weeks of gaining weight, last week being the worst, I lost a pound and a half. I didn't do anything good. I was just less bad I guess. I  was watching extreme weight loss last night. It makes you feel good when you see someone else winning the fight. I don't like they way they represent people on these shows though. I honestly think they lie about the starting weight. These people look so much bigger at the beginning and then they say they are such and such a weight and I'm sitting there thinking honey you wish. This person is clearly over 300lbs and they say your starting weight is 250. I'm sitting there wondering what they are trying to accomplish by changing the weights like that. Then they lose 35lbs and it looks like half their body weight is gone. I'm sorry but I've lost 40lbs and I'm telling you when you are heavy no one can even see that much loss. Maybe it's because they do it so fast which if you ask me is too fast and not healthy. I don't want a pile of loose skin at the end. I don't ever want to have any kind of surgery at least not for my weight. I want it to come off slowly enough that I don't have that. I don't know if it's possible but I'm sure gonna try. As of today I have gained back 57.4lbs of the 105 I had lost. Family reunion is coming up next month. That probably won't help me. Today so far I have eaten 290 calories. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. Today I have 910 more calories so I think I'll just try to stick to that. Until next time.... Be well.
M

What is it with me and burritos?

Lately, I have been eating burritos way too often. Moe's, Taco bell, Chipotle, It doesn't matter where I seem to be obsessed. Then of course all that sodium gets me craving sweets. I just give in to it all. Not even trying to stop myself anymore. Today's weigh in showed a gain of 8 oz. Not as bad as it's been but still gaining. I need to figure something out. I just don't know what. Life is stressful at the moment. I'm not about to add to it by worrying myself about it. Until next time... Be Well.
M

When is it time to throw in the towel?

I'm feeling like total failure today. I gained 3.8lbs which leads me to believe I should change the name of this blog. I gave up on my gray dress pants this week because they are just too tight. I skipped Zumba on Monday. I feel like crap. It's getting difficult to breath again and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I realize all these things and in my head I think why would anyone let this happen to themselves but I still don't stop. I can't seem to make myself care. I miss those mornings when I would wake up and feel the difference. Feel more energy and just smaller. It made me happy and I am not happy now. How do I get myself to make better choices? How do I stop this insanity? How do I make myself care that I'm killing myself with this behavior? I don't know. Here's hoping this is the week I figure it out. Until next time. Be well.
M

A Challenge may be just what I need.

I've been eating pretty much whatever I want. I haven't even tried to curb what I eat. I've been eating fast food and ice cream. It's all bad. I have been taking the squat challenge which I'm not sure if I mentioned before but as of today I'm up to 135. I lost 1.6lbs this week. If I listed all the terrible things I've eaten in the last week you would know how amazing that is. I have to give credit to the squats since it's the only change. It's helping my pants fit better too although I really need to get moving or I will not fit in them long. I'm going to complete this challenge and not stress over the eating just now. I'll see how things go next week. Until then be well.
M

Not fooling myself

I gained an even 5lbs this week. It was bound to catch up with me. I'm surprised I have haven't had this big of a gain sooner. I am doing the squat challenge and I'm back to Zumba but I'm not fool enough to believe any of that is muscle gain. I desparately need to find a way to turn things around but how? I don't know.
M

I'm still here

Over the last three weeks I've gained a little over 2lbs. That doesn't sound like much but I swear it is the heaviest 2lbs of my life. it feels like 40lbs. I'm seriously lacking any motivation and I disparately need to be challenged. Apparently I can't challenge myself. I did begin the swat challenge yesterday which my thighs are now screaming about. Not as bad as they would be if not for Zumba I'm sure. It's working leg muscles I didn't even know I had. I think that needs to be a daily routine even after the 30days. I'm not giving up although I've been eating terribly. I still believe I will find a way to turn this around. Hopefully before I can't get into my pants anymore. I'm close and I'm sweating it. Just not enough to motivate myself to do anything about it. Until next time.....be well.
M

The Game is on again!

OK, I gained 2.6lbs this week. For those of you who haven't been keeping track that is over  9lbs this month. I am now a total of 46.4lbs up from my lowest lose last summer. I woke up this morning with the most awful pains. Not just muscle and joint pain which I have been having but aches and cramping all through my core. (not monthly sort of cramps.) I'm hurting and all I can think is this is what it feels like to die very slowly. Enough. It's time for me to stop screwing around and get back to business. I had planed to make chicken and rice tonight but as we all know rice is white and therefore a no no. I will make it for my kids but I will either just eat the chicken or I'll have a lean cuisine. It's time for the strict regiment I held myself too before. Obey the rule and lose the weight. Period. No cheat days, no giving myself a break and NO celebrating. Until I meet my goal there is nothing to be proud of because it can all slip away so easily. Until next week, be well.
M

Almost a year.....

It occurs to me that I have been struggling since last April although I didn't really begin to gain untill the end of July. I gained 1.8lbs for the second week in a row. :( It's become a constant thought that I need to find a way back on track. I know my health is in peril but I still eat with wild abandon. I hurt and I feel bad but nothing seems to make me care. I think about how good I felt when I was losing verses how bad I feel now. I continually tell myself that I need to do something but then I give in to every little craving. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't make myself care but there has to be a way.  Be well.
M

just a note

Work has been busy so i haven't had a chance to write. I've been hopping up and down. 2lb gain 2lb loss and then last week another 2.lb gain. I'm not looking forward to this Wednesday since my pants are so tight I can barely ware them. I've been watching myself slide so long now I just can't figure out what's wrong. I don't care right now and I can't seem to make myself care but i feel awful. It hurts gaining weight. I have pain everywhere and I just feel generally terrible. I just can't figure why when I know how much better it feels to be losing instead that i just can't get myself in line. I am clearly an addict in need of jumping back on the wagon. I just can't seem to find that click to get me back in line. It's sad because I can feel that I'm eating myself to death. I'll check back on Wednesday.
M

Eating myself to death.

I didn't write last week because i was too depressed to think about it. I lost 2 oz. but I shouldn't have. I have been out of control. This week I gained 5.2lbs which makes perfect sense for how I've been eating. I am tired all the time and I feel terrible. Everyday I look in the mirror and think why can't I stop and every night I say I just don't care. I'm in the worst possible place right now but I'm not going to stop writing because succeed or fail it's a struggle and it's important to know that. Also, for a long time I've been saying I'm not going to beat myself up about it but it's time to give myself some tough love. I need to beat myself a little. I'm eating myself to death slowly and I can feel it. My blood pressure is back up and I told my doctor I didn't want pills because I would control it with diet and exercise. So far I have been doing the opposite. I'm lost and I need to find my way back. I know it's not a matter of one day at a time but one choice at a time. I want to find my way back to the zone I was in when I started this whole thing but I know that I need to battle my way through a wall to do that. Until next week....be well.
M

I have nothing to say for myself.

I posted a 5.4lbs gain this week. I mean I know I was not well behaved this week but that I have to say took me by surprise. How does that even happen. I don't know but I'm not very happy. It's all part of the journey. Not the best part by far but not the end either. Onward. Be Well
m

On the upswing

I finally feel myself getting my resolve back. I lost 2lbs this week which made me very happy. I had been to the doctors yesterday and was concerned when they came up with a 6lb gain but this morning as I was weighing in I realized there is a big difference between weighing in first thing in the morning without a stitch of clothes and weighing in after lunch with big boots, heavy jeans and a sweater on.
I will happily wear my 2lbs less and look forward to putting together two losing weeks in a row. Until then.....be well.
M

Frozen in more ways than one.

I had a gain of 2oz. this week. Not a huge change but in the wrong direction just the same. The arctic temperatures have made it too cold to venture to the gym and made my Zumba instructor sick so no Zumba. That means an entire week with zero exercise. On top of that the cold weather has left me chasing warm comfort foods so I wasn't trying to stick to the rules very hard. I have 126.6lbs to go until I reach my goal weight. That's a huge number. I think the most important thing is that I keep writing even when I'm not doing so hot. (As in the last several months). It keeps me focused on what I'm doing so I can continue to try and correct myself. It's sad to think that if I had worked harder over the last few months I could be just 2 months from reaching my goal. I think as long as I reach that is what matters. I'm not going to beat myself up over a timeline. Hopefully after today it will get a bit warmer and with any luck my class won't be cancelled tonight. Until next week.......Be Well.
M

Try Try again

Today's weigh in rewarded me with a 3.6lb loss. So why do I feel like a failure? I think it's mostly because I know I could have done better. I cheated on 4 out of 7 days. Most days not too badly but still I could have eaten much better. After such a big holiday gain I should have come down more. I only made it to the gym one day and my Zumba classes were cancelled this week. I'm hopeful that I will do better this week. Looking back I see this is the biggest loss I've had since July so I should be happy. I will be when I'm doing my best. Until next week....Be well.
M

Weigh in

So after only 2 days of following the rules this week I was hopeful but not foolish enough to think I had made any real progress. Sadly I saw a 1.2lbs gain this week. That was no doubt due to the binge weekend that preceded the following of the rules. Next week promises to be much better. This morning I was looking at my weekly record of loss, or in the case of the last few months, gain. I noticed that my recent slide has sent me back over the weight for my last 2 milestones. Granted they were very close together but I'm still pretty disappointed with myself. I enjoyed the feeling of my close getting baggier by the day. I don't think I realized how much until they began getting tighter. It really is a terrible feeling sitting here in pants that used to be a little loose and feeling like you could bust out of them.
The good news is it's never too late to turn things around. The journey continues and I'm looking forward to dropping what I gained and continuing down the road to success. Until next time......Be Well.
M

Long time...

Hello and Happy New Year. My apologies for having been away these last few weeks but I took a little break for the holidays. Apparently the idea to lose 30lbs by Christmas had the opposite outcome. Since my lowest weigh in back in July I have gained 30lbs. Failure? In some ways yes but since I am a continual work in progress I will choose to think of it as a detour on my way to success. I will start by telling you that 10lbs was just over Christmas and New Years. My pants are tight and I feel like poo. I'm tired and I've been getting headaches more often. This is not just because it's Monday but because for the last month and a half I have paid no attention to the rules. I refuse to get involved with the foolishness of New Year solutions and for that reason have waited until today to begin the road back to the path of success. I know that given a couple of weeks following the rules I will shed that weight fairly quick. I do need to find my way back to the gym and tonight is Zumba which is always a constant for me. I need to feel good again. The first step is to get through today with just 1200 calories. It's not hard really I just need to focus on that. I'll check in on Wednesday and let you know how weigh in goes. It should be promising since I'm sure some of the weight is fluff. Until then..... Be Well.
M