Not fooling myself

I gained an even 5lbs this week. It was bound to catch up with me. I'm surprised I have haven't had this big of a gain sooner. I am doing the squat challenge and I'm back to Zumba but I'm not fool enough to believe any of that is muscle gain. I desparately need to find a way to turn things around but how? I don't know.
M

I'm still here

Over the last three weeks I've gained a little over 2lbs. That doesn't sound like much but I swear it is the heaviest 2lbs of my life. it feels like 40lbs. I'm seriously lacking any motivation and I disparately need to be challenged. Apparently I can't challenge myself. I did begin the swat challenge yesterday which my thighs are now screaming about. Not as bad as they would be if not for Zumba I'm sure. It's working leg muscles I didn't even know I had. I think that needs to be a daily routine even after the 30days. I'm not giving up although I've been eating terribly. I still believe I will find a way to turn this around. Hopefully before I can't get into my pants anymore. I'm close and I'm sweating it. Just not enough to motivate myself to do anything about it. Until next time.....be well.
M

The Game is on again!

OK, I gained 2.6lbs this week. For those of you who haven't been keeping track that is over  9lbs this month. I am now a total of 46.4lbs up from my lowest lose last summer. I woke up this morning with the most awful pains. Not just muscle and joint pain which I have been having but aches and cramping all through my core. (not monthly sort of cramps.) I'm hurting and all I can think is this is what it feels like to die very slowly. Enough. It's time for me to stop screwing around and get back to business. I had planed to make chicken and rice tonight but as we all know rice is white and therefore a no no. I will make it for my kids but I will either just eat the chicken or I'll have a lean cuisine. It's time for the strict regiment I held myself too before. Obey the rule and lose the weight. Period. No cheat days, no giving myself a break and NO celebrating. Until I meet my goal there is nothing to be proud of because it can all slip away so easily. Until next week, be well.
M

Almost a year.....

It occurs to me that I have been struggling since last April although I didn't really begin to gain untill the end of July. I gained 1.8lbs for the second week in a row. :( It's become a constant thought that I need to find a way back on track. I know my health is in peril but I still eat with wild abandon. I hurt and I feel bad but nothing seems to make me care. I think about how good I felt when I was losing verses how bad I feel now. I continually tell myself that I need to do something but then I give in to every little craving. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't make myself care but there has to be a way.  Be well.
M

just a note

Work has been busy so i haven't had a chance to write. I've been hopping up and down. 2lb gain 2lb loss and then last week another 2.lb gain. I'm not looking forward to this Wednesday since my pants are so tight I can barely ware them. I've been watching myself slide so long now I just can't figure out what's wrong. I don't care right now and I can't seem to make myself care but i feel awful. It hurts gaining weight. I have pain everywhere and I just feel generally terrible. I just can't figure why when I know how much better it feels to be losing instead that i just can't get myself in line. I am clearly an addict in need of jumping back on the wagon. I just can't seem to find that click to get me back in line. It's sad because I can feel that I'm eating myself to death. I'll check back on Wednesday.
M

Eating myself to death.

I didn't write last week because i was too depressed to think about it. I lost 2 oz. but I shouldn't have. I have been out of control. This week I gained 5.2lbs which makes perfect sense for how I've been eating. I am tired all the time and I feel terrible. Everyday I look in the mirror and think why can't I stop and every night I say I just don't care. I'm in the worst possible place right now but I'm not going to stop writing because succeed or fail it's a struggle and it's important to know that. Also, for a long time I've been saying I'm not going to beat myself up about it but it's time to give myself some tough love. I need to beat myself a little. I'm eating myself to death slowly and I can feel it. My blood pressure is back up and I told my doctor I didn't want pills because I would control it with diet and exercise. So far I have been doing the opposite. I'm lost and I need to find my way back. I know it's not a matter of one day at a time but one choice at a time. I want to find my way back to the zone I was in when I started this whole thing but I know that I need to battle my way through a wall to do that. Until next week....be well.
M

I have nothing to say for myself.

I posted a 5.4lbs gain this week. I mean I know I was not well behaved this week but that I have to say took me by surprise. How does that even happen. I don't know but I'm not very happy. It's all part of the journey. Not the best part by far but not the end either. Onward. Be Well
m