I've eatten way too much

and man are my pants tight. The day of my trip i weighed in with a 4oz loss and was pretty surprised since I seem to be completely unable to follow the rules at the moment. After the trip I had gained 2.6lbs. Damn you red wine. This week I completely fell apart with Thanksgiving eating that went on for 4 days and left me unable to even string 2 full days of healthy eating together. I seem to be falling apart when I get home after doing fine all day. My pants are noticeably tighter and my cheeks are swollen. I'm not feeling particularly well. It's like I fell down a slide and I'm grasping as slippery walls. I am currently 20lbs over my lowest weight. It's depressing because I really should have been 20lbs in the other direction by now. I've lost that determination that was driving me and I need to find a way to get it back before it gets any worse. I'm hoping that over the next 2 weeks I can keep myself at least from gaining. I know Christmas will be bad right through new years. Then what? I don't know. I'm thinking about heading back to the gym starting next week. I know that will help me feel a lot better and keep the gaining at bay. Until next week......Be well.
M

Finding will power when you've lost it.

Hope. I'm hoping I can regain my will power. After last weeks big gain I decided to return to the gym. Instead I ate a bunch of things I shouldn't have and didn't go to the gym at all. I did get back to Zumba after a week off which I believe was a big part of that big gain. My pants are all feeling tighter and I feel awful. Somehow, through no effort of my own I lost 2oz this week. It's not much but the fact that there was any loss is amazing.  Weight loss is like a super slide. Climbing the later is the loss and gaining is as fast as the ride down. All the hard work of losing 100lbs and I feel like I could gain it all back in a matter of weeks. That's a scary thought. I feel the gain in my gut and it feels gross. I'm hoping that feeling will help me regain my will power. Zumba tonight, that helps. Now I just need to find my way back to the gym. I'm afraid that won't happen until after Thanksgiving. Until then however, I can stop eating so badly. I most likely won't have Internet access the later half of next week so it will be a while before I write again. Unless I decide to check in on Tuesday. We'll see. Until then.......Be well.
M.

Hog wild

I think I missed last weeks entry. Not sure because I haven't looked but I was down with a sinus infection that is still kinda kicking my butt. I gained last week. 2.4lbs. and this week I gained a whopping 5.2lbs. This puts me over where I was when I came back from my vacation and beyond the mental number I had made my limit. All my pants are feeling tighter and there is no way my fat gut is squeezing into those black jeans tomorrow. Which leaves me with the dilemma of what do I wear tomorrow. I feel swollen. It's amazing how you don't notice how food makes your body swell when you always eat bad but you notice it immediately when you go from eating well to eating badly. It's time to get back in gear. It sucks because the holidays are coming and I have a lot of food planned that I will undoubtedly eat. That doesn't mean however that I can't be an angel the rest of the time. So as of today no more screwing around. I need to post  a loss next week. The week after that as well although I will probably not be able to post that week. I also have to stop making excuses and get back to the gym. Even if I can only go twice a week for the next few weeks it's a good start.
Until next week............Be well.
M

Strange days indeed.

I can't really explain how I lost 2.6lbs this week. I was better behaved it's true. At least up until last night when I made home made fried chicken and onion rings. I don't know what I was thinking eating that before a weigh in day but it leaves me wondering what the loss would have been had I not eaten that. I do feel like I'm finally moving in the right direction. My nasty little fried food escapade aside. I've been eating better and having fewer days where I fall of the wagon so to speak. I do believe the fried food will catch me but hopefully if I can be good until next weigh in maybe I won't see it. Until then.....be well.
M

hanging in

Another week and another gain of 1.4lbs. Looking back I see that I have been hovering between 234 and 237 for the past 3 months. I'm frustrated with myself but at the same time I feel like I'm taking a break from all the hard work. I'm starting to feel fat. Let's face it at this weight I am still fat but now I feel it. That bloated gaining feeling. It's awful. I want to stop it but I'm in a very bad place. I take comfort in the fact that the gain has been minimal and I have not gone overboard. I do now that I need to find a way back to the place I was but I realize that this is all part of the journey. It wouldn't make sense for it to be smooth sailing the whole way. If it were everyone would be thin. This is hard. But stick with me. I have faith that I will see this through. It may take longer than I wanted but I will still get there. I will find my way back to that tunnel I was in. That focused zone where losing was easy because it was the most important thing to me. It may take me a little while but I will get there and when I do I'll take off this next 100lbs and finally meet my goal. Until next week.......Be well.
M

Sorry... busy days at work.

Assuming that last week was a 2.5lb loss that means I gained 2ozs. this week. Honestly, I don’t think that is really too bad considering it still means I’m down 2.3lbs from the week before so I’ll take it. More next week.  Be well.

M

Don't think just do it!

After weeks of struggling and trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong and why I lost my motivation it hit me. Don’t think about it. When I think about it I get upset with myself and I behave badly. Also if I want a food that would be against the rules and I sit and think about it I will dwell on how it would taste and then I will crave it and then the craving will become a need.  I managed to lose this week although I somehow managed to forget the number by the time I got to the computer. I either lost 2.4lbs or .4 but I don’t really care which. The important part is that I lost. I feel so much better too. There is already more energy. It’s funny that being hungry gives you energy.  I feel good and that’s the most important part of all. Now back to my mission to get under 200lbs by Christmas.  Until next week, be well.

M