Meltdown

3.6lbs gained. I can’t even begin to explain where I am.  I’m sinking. I’m not doing well. I had the worst week yet. I can’t seem to get a grip on my downward spiral.  The one thing I won’t do is give up. I still believe that if I slide back I will die. I need to lose this weight. I have to find a way to get myself back on track. Feeling cold and tired all the time. This is not good. Wish me luck.

Go figure.

I lost 1.2lbs. I didn’t expect that. It was a very nice surprise. I don’t really think I deserved it but I’ll take it. I’m still struggling but as long as I can avoid any significant weight gain I know I’ll snap out of it and be ok. There is a reason it’s called a journey and now a quick walk. It takes time and life happens. The important thing is where I end up and learning to enjoy the journey. Until next week…..Be well.   M

Side note.

I woke up late this morning. Cold air is making it difficult to get out of bed. Not a great week. Mostly good but the bad days usually win on the scale. I'll check in tomorrow and let you all know how it went.
M

A renewal of committment.

This week I gained 1.6lbs. I’m not upset by this partly because it was sort of intentional. I took a week off. Not completely. I didn’t stick to my rules and I ate a number of things I shouldn’t have. I vegged out instead of going to the gym. I decided that my wavering commitment to losing all the weight needed a kick in the pants. So now that I gave myself an open window to give up on myself I have found that I don’t want too. I went back and looked at the progress I have made week to week. (Yes I keep a log) I found that I have been doing a lot of excess work. My pattern of 3 steps forward 1 step back and now 3 steps back and 1 step forward has meant that I spent a lot of time ‘re-losing’ weight. What I mean to say is that over the course of this journey I have actually lost 155.2lbs but I also gained 58lbs. So where I should now be within 60lbs of my main goal I instead still have to lose 116lbs. Although this is probably a good thing for my skin which has had time to make slow adjustments therefore not leaving me with piles of loose skin, it is still a boat load of unnecessary work. So, as of today I am recommitting myself to losing 116lbs more. Next week will show a loss and I will be back on the right path. Until then, be well.

M

4oz. of pure disappointment.

This week I gained 4oz. This by its self is not such a big deal but coupled with the fact that I haven’t lost any significant weight in the last 6 months is just sad. I’m struggling right now to stick to my own rules. I can see myself stress eating.  It never fills the void and yet I keep doing it.  I need to find a way to snap out of it. I’m so disappointed with myself. Although I’m within 6lbs of my lowest weight since I started this journey it feels like a great gaping distance. I’m in a very bad place. I’ve lost that determination to lose it all. I’m not sure why but I know this is a big turning point for me. I have to find my way to get back to where I was or I will gain it all back plus and end up dead within 5 years. I know this to be true.  It may sound dramatic but I feel I need to really be hard on myself or I’m going to slide back into old habits.  I’m sure the cold weather that has begun to creep in isn’t helping.  I also am feeling a little depressed. This is challenge time. It was inevitable that this time would come but this is where things get real. Getting past this hurdle will be the real achievement.  Until next week….be well.

M