Commitment, Failure, Re-commitment all part of the road to success.

Hello again. It's been awhile I know. It got to be hard to log on week after week to share my failures. Some weeks I didn't even bother weighing in. This morning I weighed in at 296.4. For those of you that weren't keeping track that is 68.4lbs up from my lowest since I began this journey. It is a terrible feeling but I'm not giving up on myself just yet. Now that labor day has past I have to pull out my fall clothes and some of my pants just don't fit. I gave all my larger pants to the Rescue Mission. I'm sure most people would go out and buy new pants but not me. At this moment I am wearing pants that literally feel like they are slowly cutting me in half. It's hard to breath and extremely uncomfortable. I will have to feel like this for the next 8 hours until work is over. In a way I'm punishing myself for letting myself gain so much. Not much chance I will over eat today. I thought about it this morning and I came to some conclusions. First, if I refuse to buy larger clothes then I need to re-commit to losing weight. Second, my lack of motivation is my number one problem. My total goal is to get to 120lbs. That hasn't changed but being that I am very competitive and I respond well to challenges I've challenged myself to lose 20lbs in 28 days. That gives me 4 weeks at 5lbs a week. It's aggressive but I feel necessary. Unfortunately, I have no one but myself to keep me on it. I think I will seek out my co-worker that lost weight with me in the begining and ask her to be the person I check in with each week. If I know someone is watching I'm hoping that will keep me working for it. Until next week. Be well.
M

Weight loss via Stress

At this point in my life I am experiencing a level of stress that is beyond the normal life stress. There has been very few times in my life when it has been this bad. I feel ill all day and my thoughts are so volatile that they are weighing me down like lead. I know this will pass as it always does but right now I am literally sick from it. My head is so a buzz that I even forgot to weigh in yesterday. This morning remembering I hopped (not literally) on the scale. I lost 3.2lbs this week making the first two week in a row loss in a very long time. That was a pretty big loss too and I know that's not really a good way to lose it. It is what it is. I can't help how I'm feeling right now. It's either going to get better in the next few days or a whole lot worse. Whatever happens the loss is logged and it will either stay off or not. Right now things are beyond my control. Although I can't seem to stop myself from worrying I do know that it's not with in my power to change the situation at the moment. All I can do is ride the wave and hope I don't break my neck when I hit the beach. Until next time.... Be well.
M

The jouney never ends....

No matter if I'm losing or gaining it's still all part of the road I'm traveling. I'd like to believe that at the end of my road I will reach my goal even if I get a little lost along the way. After 3 straight weeks of gaining weight, last week being the worst, I lost a pound and a half. I didn't do anything good. I was just less bad I guess. I  was watching extreme weight loss last night. It makes you feel good when you see someone else winning the fight. I don't like they way they represent people on these shows though. I honestly think they lie about the starting weight. These people look so much bigger at the beginning and then they say they are such and such a weight and I'm sitting there thinking honey you wish. This person is clearly over 300lbs and they say your starting weight is 250. I'm sitting there wondering what they are trying to accomplish by changing the weights like that. Then they lose 35lbs and it looks like half their body weight is gone. I'm sorry but I've lost 40lbs and I'm telling you when you are heavy no one can even see that much loss. Maybe it's because they do it so fast which if you ask me is too fast and not healthy. I don't want a pile of loose skin at the end. I don't ever want to have any kind of surgery at least not for my weight. I want it to come off slowly enough that I don't have that. I don't know if it's possible but I'm sure gonna try. As of today I have gained back 57.4lbs of the 105 I had lost. Family reunion is coming up next month. That probably won't help me. Today so far I have eaten 290 calories. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. Today I have 910 more calories so I think I'll just try to stick to that. Until next time.... Be well.
M

What is it with me and burritos?

Lately, I have been eating burritos way too often. Moe's, Taco bell, Chipotle, It doesn't matter where I seem to be obsessed. Then of course all that sodium gets me craving sweets. I just give in to it all. Not even trying to stop myself anymore. Today's weigh in showed a gain of 8 oz. Not as bad as it's been but still gaining. I need to figure something out. I just don't know what. Life is stressful at the moment. I'm not about to add to it by worrying myself about it. Until next time... Be Well.
M

When is it time to throw in the towel?

I'm feeling like total failure today. I gained 3.8lbs which leads me to believe I should change the name of this blog. I gave up on my gray dress pants this week because they are just too tight. I skipped Zumba on Monday. I feel like crap. It's getting difficult to breath again and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I realize all these things and in my head I think why would anyone let this happen to themselves but I still don't stop. I can't seem to make myself care. I miss those mornings when I would wake up and feel the difference. Feel more energy and just smaller. It made me happy and I am not happy now. How do I get myself to make better choices? How do I stop this insanity? How do I make myself care that I'm killing myself with this behavior? I don't know. Here's hoping this is the week I figure it out. Until next time. Be well.
M

A Challenge may be just what I need.

I've been eating pretty much whatever I want. I haven't even tried to curb what I eat. I've been eating fast food and ice cream. It's all bad. I have been taking the squat challenge which I'm not sure if I mentioned before but as of today I'm up to 135. I lost 1.6lbs this week. If I listed all the terrible things I've eaten in the last week you would know how amazing that is. I have to give credit to the squats since it's the only change. It's helping my pants fit better too although I really need to get moving or I will not fit in them long. I'm going to complete this challenge and not stress over the eating just now. I'll see how things go next week. Until then be well.
M

Not fooling myself

I gained an even 5lbs this week. It was bound to catch up with me. I'm surprised I have haven't had this big of a gain sooner. I am doing the squat challenge and I'm back to Zumba but I'm not fool enough to believe any of that is muscle gain. I desparately need to find a way to turn things around but how? I don't know.
M